One of the earliest challenges I had to face was the agony of not being able to conceive or carry my own child when it was all that I longed for.
Going through a 7 year IVF journey was really difficult, especially because I didn't have any tools to help me navigate my way through it. My body was changing rapidly, my hormones were out of control. I was losing people out of my life and the ones that stayed backed right away from me as they didn't know what to say or how to handle my situation. I was one of the first of my family and friends to have faced this.
To make matters worse, it seemed everyone around me could fall pregnant at the drop of a hat and for 7 years every time another friend or family member would tell me they were having a baby, I was the last one they told and it was really awkward. I was happy for them on the outside, but on the inside, I would get that deep pain in my heart.
I couldn't understand why this just wasn't happening for me, I was trying every different remedy that I found out about. I would hear someone talking about in the shopping centre, ‘oh such and such took this supplement and fell pregnant straight away’, and I would literally stop their conversation and ask them all about it.
I had so much shame around the fact that I was going through this process and didn't tell my extended family until I was on round three. You know when you go to family functions and everyone asks you when you're going to have a baby and you tear up because if only they knew what you had been going through for the past 3 or 4 years. Once I made the decision to open up and start to share my journey, I thought it would become easier but I was just met with so much confusion and statements like ‘our family doesn't have trouble falling pregnant, are you sure your doing it right’! I felt like a failure, I felt like I wasn't a real woman and I lost so much respect for my body. I lost all faith that my dream of having a family would ever happen. I became so disconnected from my body and felt shame where there should be love.
It was then I convinced my then fiance (now husband) that it was time to get a rescue dog, he would need me and my love. Turns out I needed him more than he needed me, and he gave me so much more than I could have ever imagined. I had my family now, I reconciled that families came in all different shapes and sizes.
But I also had this inkling that I needed to do lots of research into the real connection between our body and mind because I couldn’t understand why no professional could give me any solid answers. They would give you so much hope that it was going to work, and then hit you with another $6k invoice! That just added more stress to an already super stressful situation.
It was a year after welcoming this little fur baby into our life that we found out that medicare had started to help fund IVF procedures and we decided to give it one more try.
After my son was born, the years of anguish leading up to this day, and after years upon years of being told that our case was ‘unexplained infertility’ as all of our vitals checked out, my doctor told me ‘I honestly didn't think this would ever happen with you, your testosterone is so high’. I was in shock, she did have answers but they never wanted to inform me of them.... why???
Looking back this is when my research began.
I had reached outside of myself for over 7 years depending on professionals to guide me and help me to work out why my dream wasn't coming to fruition.
But at that moment in the doctor's office, it hit me like a tonne of bricks.
I made a decision to get back in tune with my body and become best friends again. Instead of pushing her away like I had been doing for so long, I made a pact to form a partnership for she already had the answers, and when we didn't we would work together to find them.
I had given up on myself for so long, and now I realised that this was home and it was all I needed all along.
If my story resonates and you are feeling like you would also like support, please reach out.
Big Love, Nicki
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