The first half of my life, I guess you could say was turbulent.
There were many traumatic events that I now realize were like rehearsals for the big one.
Each time I suffered a setback, I had to fight even harder to control the depression that was trying to creep in.
I felt scared, but deep down, I felt more scared to stop fighting.
I grew up watching family members lose themselves in this darkness too. I knew how to play the role and I did it well for a while. But secretly, I was desperate for something or someone to come and save me.
Resentment and blame were second nature to me.
I became disconnected.
I felt poisoned.
Hatred had taken over where there should be love.
I knew there had to be another way. I was independent and resourceful, so why did my life feel like a constant battle? What was I doing wrong?
Somedays all I had were daydreams.
There were times that I would fantasize about breaking free from all of the negativity.
I imagined every day waking with a huge smile on my face and feeling grateful for the life I had created. I didn’t have to explain or justify myself to anyone. And I could feel the ease of not having to dim my light when around my family so I could fit back into their perceived mould.
One day my best friend asked me why I couldn't have the life I longed for. As I went to open my mouth to answer, I realised that my response would be excuses and that she would have a rebuttal to my every answer. We have been friends since five years of age, and she liked to challenge me.
Her question made me realise that I was keeping myself stuck.
I was subconsciously making the decision to continue living in fear and darkness
and feeling like I dint’ deserve anything more than that. And as we sat on the
beach watching the waves roll in, I decided that I wanted more.
I wanted to learn how to create the more.
I had no idea how but I knew I had to try.
I couldn’t continue another day living a life in which I didn’t belong. It was time to change the narrative that only blessed people get to live blessed lives. I knew I deserved a beautiful life too.
So, in that moment I set myself a challenge. I wanted to find someone to support and guide me on the path to healing my grief. Someone to help me move from the pain back into my power.
Sometimes it takes just one person to believe in you...
Soon after this, I met my personal guide and we clicked. I knew that if anyone was going to be able to hold my hand along this journey, she was the one. And I was right. On the days I fell in a heap, she picked me back up and reminded me that every day is a new day. In those tougher moments, she encouraged me not to be so hard on myself and assured me that just showing up on some days is enough.
Transitioning from my trauma changed my life. It was on this personal journey that I was called to break the generational cycle. I learned that I was in control of my life, and DNA or not, my mind and thoughts that flowed through there were my responsibility.
And I began to feel different.
As I started to slowly shift my mindset and catch myself early when repeating old habits of thought, I felt myself become so much lighter and less anxious. I had begun to get a taste of the life I was meant to have. I started to see that it was possible to feel genuinely happy and grateful more often. It was possible to walk to the beat of my own drum.
To have control in my life again. I realised that all of the stories I had been told over the years were just stories, and I didn't want them to be a part of my life anymore. But only I could choose to let them go.
I felt more in control than ever.
I now had the tools and skills to put clear boundaries in place and honour them.
Moving forward from this point, I felt determined to be the leading lady in my own life again and anything less was not an option.
Once I made this declaration to myself and the outer world, my inner world became so much more peaceful. I didn't want to run away anymore. I felt an ease and contentment that I had never known before. My mind didn't feel constantly scrambled and I could articulate my thoughts more clearly.
The cloud of doubt had lifted. My insecurities were fading away.
I began to feel positive again.
My need to self-sabotage to block out all of the chatter dissipated and the anxiety I used to feel especially when it came to being around my family was now minimal.
I would go into nature and just sit with the trees, and the restless, urgent feeling to escape myself was becoming less. I was ready to feel the sun on my face again, and not hide away in the dark.
Healing from trauma gives us an opportunity to really get to know ourselves and reconnect with our true essence, to fully embody our soul in such a way that we stand strong in who we really are.
And when we can become synchronised with our true selves, we are able to experience a sense of peace like no other.
When we stop looking outside of ourselves for the answers and only focus from within, this is where we become so powerful nothing or no one can move us away from our truth. Now we know who we are, what we are willing to accept and how we want to show up in the world.
Know that this work will have you better prepared for the next time the rollercoaster of life takes a dip. It is possible for your stance to be strong because when you are connected to your truth you aren’t so easily rocked.
The key is to work towards finding inner peace first.
Then you will have the stability you have been searching for.
This is where your safety resides. So stay soft and kind with yourself while you find your way. And take time to find what feels best for you.
Sometimes we need a little help working out where to begin and someone to remind us that we aren’t broken. This is all part of learning what we really need and more importantly to call in what we want.
If my story resonates and you are feeling like you would also like support, please reach out.
Big Love, Nicki
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